Forgiveness. Such a small word, but often one of the biggest challenges in life. I have always asked myself why I - and many others - find it so difficult to truly forgive. Sometimes it is a hurtful comment that sticks with us, or a major breach of trust that is hard to get over. But despite everything, we know deep down that forgiveness is important - for our own well-being and for the relationships that are important to us. This blog post is an attempt to organize and share my own thoughts and experiences on the subject of forgiveness, and perhaps I will find a little more clarity in the process.
What is forgiveness actually?
Forgiveness means forgiving someone for an act or behavior without holding him or her responsible for it. However, it does not mean that we forget what happened or that we condone the act. Rather, it is about letting go of the resentment, anger and pain that we feel in order to find inner peace. The theory often sounds simple - forgiving is good for us and frees us. But in practice, things are usually different.
Why is forgiveness so difficult?
1. The injury runs deep
Forgiveness is often difficult because the hurt is deep. It is not just the actions themselves, but also the trust that is destroyed in many cases. When someone we love or trust hurts us, the pain is usually deeper. The thought of being so vulnerable and open again is heavy, and the fear of renewed pain prevents us from forgiving.
2. Our ego stands in the way
Another obstacle to forgiveness is the ego. Sometimes we are so caught up in our own pride that it is difficult to see beyond the pain. We feel we are in the right and do not want to take the first step because we fear it will be seen as weakness. But in truth, forgiveness is a great strength. It means letting go of our ego and accepting that no one is perfect - not even ourselves.
3. The desire for revenge and justice
In many cases, we carry within us the desire to make the other person "pay" for what he or she has done. We believe that justice will be done when the other person feels what we have been through. This thought can cause us to hold on to resentment. But reality shows that revenge or the need for gratification rarely makes us feel better. Instead, it often prolongs the pain and puts an even greater emotional burden on us.
4. The belief that forgiveness shows weakness
Many people see forgiveness as a sign of weakness, when in fact it is the exact opposite. It takes courage to forgive someone and remain open, especially when the hurt is great. Forgiveness means choosing peace rather than the burden of the past. But because we often believe that forgiveness means belittling ourselves, we choose to hold on to the pain instead.
5. The fear of losing control
When we have been hurt, we often feel powerless. Holding on to anger or resentment makes us feel like we have control over the situation. We think that by holding on to these emotions we are protecting ourselves. But the control we think we have is an illusion. In reality, the pain has more of a hold on us than we have on it. Forgiving means letting go of that control - something that often scares us.
6. Lack of self-forgiveness
Forgiveness is not only about the person who hurt us, but also about ourselves. If we cannot forgive ourselves for past mistakes, we also find it difficult to forgive others. We often project our inner resentment onto others and allow past pain to continue to affect current relationships.
7. The constant reminder
It is difficult to forgive when we are constantly reminded of what happened. Sometimes it is everyday situations that reopen old wounds. Or we have people around us who constantly remind us of what happened. In such cases, it can be difficult to truly complete the healing process and let go.
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The Path to Forgiveness – A Slow but Rewarding Process
Although forgiveness is difficult, I have learned that it can make a huge difference in my life. It frees us from negative feelings and gives us the opportunity to move forward with a new perspective. But how can you learn to truly forgive?
1. Self-reflection and self-forgiveness
The first step is self-reflection. Why do I find it difficult to forgive? What is the core of my pain? By answering these questions honestly, I often come a step further. And most importantly: forgiveness begins with myself. When I become more merciful to myself, it is easier for me to forgive others.
2. Understand the other person's perspective
One of the biggest challenges is putting yourself in the other person's shoes. Why did that person act that way? Maybe there were reasons or circumstances that I don't see. That doesn't mean I condone the action, but it helps me develop compassion and understand that we all have our own struggles.
3. Consciously let go
Letting go is an active process. It means that I consciously decide not to hold on to the pain any more. Sometimes it helps me to write down my thoughts and feelings or to create a ritual in which I symbolically let go of the pain. This conscious step reminds me that I have a choice about how I deal with my feelings.
4. Forgiveness as a gift to myself
At the end of the day, forgiveness is a gift to myself. I release the burden and give myself permission to move on. This doesn't mean I necessarily have to rebuild the relationship with the other person, but it does mean that I no longer allow myself to be bound by the past.
Conclusion: Forgiveness is not a one-time act, but a process
Forgiveness is not a switch that we can simply flip. It is a process that requires time and patience. Sometimes we need to remind ourselves that it is okay to need time and that forgiveness is not a linear path. There are setbacks and difficult moments, but every small step brings us closer to inner freedom.
I have learned that forgiveness has nothing to do with the other person, but rather with myself. It is a decision to let go of old hurts and find the peace I desire. Even if it is difficult, forgiveness is a journey that is worth it.
Sources:
Flaßpöhler, S. (2016). Forgiveness: Dealing with guilt . Deutsche Verlags-Anstalt.
Psychology Today. (2018). The power of forgiveness . Available at https://www.psychologie-heute.de/leben/artikel-detailansicht/39403-die-kraft-des-verzeihens.html . Date accessed: November 5, 2024.
Therapie.de . (2023). Healing effects of forgiveness . Available at https://www.therapie.de/psyche/info/ratgeber/lebenshilfe-artikel/verzeihen/artikel/ . Date accessed: November 5, 2024.
Spektrum der Wissenschaft. (2014). Forgiveness: Why it is good to forgive others . Available at https://www.spektrum.de/magazin/verzeihen-warum-es-gut-tut-anderen-zu-vergeben/1308230 . Date accessed: November 5, 2024.
SpringerLink. (2021). On forgiveness . In Collective Forgiveness (pp. 45-65). Available at https://link.springer.com/chapter/10.1007/978-3-662-63019-8_3 . Date accessed: November 5, 2024.
Important note : This blog entry is based on my personal thoughts and does not constitute professional advice. If you have psychological or emotional problems, you should seek professional support.
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